Monday, November 8, 2010

Military Spouse Magazine MADE ME SMILE!!!

As some of you know, Military Spouse Magazine was running an essay contest on "Why My Husband Rocks" and I won. Here is my winning essay (which will also be included in December's magazine). I am so very excited to see my words in print. Some of you know how long I've waited. And maybe this is just the beginning.

Dear Jeff,
Greatness is an individually relative term. It is not a tangible unit of measurement. It cannot be weighed; it does not have a recognized exact height or width. There is no well-established formula that will always derive an answer exactly equal to its sum. Scientist can measure gravity, oxygen and the temperature of the sun but still the equation for greatness is illusive. In my eyes, the exact height of greatness is 5’11 and the exact weight is 185 pounds. The width of greatness fills up the left side of my bed perfectly. It is an exact formula of deep dimples, blue eyes, broad shoulders and rough hands. It is an equation of courage, sacrifice, honesty, bravery, loyalty, strength, honor, goodness and grace. Greatness is covered in camo and walks like a soldier. Greatness is and always has been defined by you.

Before you, I had known other military service members but I had never met a hero. The two do not automatically go hand in hand. Most people don’t realize that fact but I do. Soldiers are made by choice. Heroes are made because to them there is no other choice. Some see sacrifices as a hardship but to heroes it is a privilege. Soldiers are taught and trained. Heroes cannot be for it is, and always has been, simply who they are. I see that in you.

Your sacrifices can be seen daily; commitments to a country, family and woman you love. Pre-dawn runs even on leave days. Soccer games on early Saturday mornings. Evenings spent explaining algebra, geometry, science and the best way to hold a BB gun. Late nights spent warming my cold feet and chasing away my nightmares. It’s in the weeks, months and years that you spend in the sand, in the field, overseas or covering someone else’s duty. It’s in the Taco Soup that you make at request and the burgers you grill.

But your greatness can be seen in the things you do for my children. Boys that you owe nothing to and yet still you choose to give them the world. Time, patience, understanding, love and the constant reassuring promise that you are here to stay. It’s in the moments you spend with them that I can see you for what you truly are….the definition of greatness. Thank you for what you do for them, for us and for me. Thank you for choosing to make this journey with me on raising them from boys to men. You didn’t have to but I’m so VERY glad that you did.

This was supposed to be an essay about why you “rock”. And while I could give some witty reply about the way you dance, how you always open my car door or the way you let me use the hot water first; in my eyes that’s not what makes you great or makes you rock. It is the way you love; me, the boys and our country. The more I wrote, the more I realized that telling this to a stranger was of no real importance. What truly mattered was in telling you. So here it is for you, in black and white….The only definition of greatness I know is you. And it is for that reason that you truly ROCK.

I love you completely and without falter.


Monday, August 23, 2010

Contrary to Popular Belief.....

YOU do not know me. You know one side of the story and feel that is enough to judge me. It’s not but I understand that your desire to do so is human nature. This is my attempt to set the record straight for all of you who have illusions of who I am and make assumptions on the life I live.

Contrary to popular belief….

• I did not marry I man that I barely know.

• I did not choose some guy over what’s best for my children.

• I choose to bring another person in to their lives who will simply love them.

• NO ONE is losing my children.

• I am not a bad mother, a heartless parent or out to hurt, destroy or attack. I am living my life.

• I am not callous and cold-hearted when it involves my children and their dad.

• Staying in Maine for ones whole life can lead to closed minds and narrow points of view and that evidence is becoming clearer and clearer.

• Loving my boys is not determined, measured or validated by the state we live in.

• Allowing my children to have new experiences might be emotionally hard but it is not cruel.

• My silence is a reflection of my desire to do the right thing not my inability to defend myself and the choices I make.

• I know that it hurts like hell and I know because it hurts me, too.

• They ARE still children and will adjust better than anyone wants to admit.

• Regardless of how they feel about moving, my children know that their dad and I both love them very much.

• If I was leaving and they were staying, they would be saying they want to go.

• You use words like “resent” to offer comfort it and it makes me realize how lost your morals are that you actually hope for those things.

• I could counter-act each attack that is made but I realize there is no benefit in that. Some people will only consider what they believe to be true. Other people’s opinions aren’t valuable enough to even bother with. Still others have no way of thinking for themselves and merely jump on with whatever everyone else is thinking. Regardless, there is no point in dealing with any of those.

• Adjectives cannot be measured. Words like “Great”, “Happy” and “Mean” are a matter of perspective and are not standardized ways of determining and measuring success or failure.

• Sometimes you can fixate on one side of a coin so long that you forget there is another side.

• Flaws do not ruin something beautiful unless you look at it and only see the flaws. While you might be in that situation, rest assured my children are not.

• My children have been raised with the strong and solid knowledge that they are loved deeply and completely by their family. Aren’t they lucky that family is a bit bigger now and there are more people to love them?

• I DO want what’s best for my children. It’s just my idea of best is different from yours.

• I DO get along with their father. Yes, we disagree at times but we DO get along. Even through all this, we have not fought. Great for our boys but real irony for you, don’t you think?

• They will do great. They were, after all, raised that way.

Now really, isn’t there somewhere else you can focus your energy since you seem so gifted in snap decisions and protesting? Solve world hunger, cure diabetes or end the war and bring our soldiers home? Seems kind of unfair that you are spending all your time focusing on fixing me when there are so many bigger issues in the world that you could meddle in.


Friday, June 11, 2010

Love me anyway...

Sometimes the sun shines on my days and sometimes it does not. Sometimes I laugh until tears come and sometimes I smile to hide the hurt. Sometimes it hurts to love but I have learned by now that it ALWAYS hurts not to. Sometimes I want to sleep in and other times I try and stay up late. Sometimes I'm surprisingly full of grace and sometimes....well, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I'm afraid of the dark, the water and the birds. And sometimes, I barely even notice they are there. Sometimes everything goes wrong and sometimes nothing does at all. Sometimes, I fall asleep mid-sentence and sometimes silence comes before sleep does. Sometimes I'm grumpily lonely and sometimes I'm beautifully, perfectly happy. Sometimes I eat pasta for breakfast and sometimes I eat cake instead. Sometimes I wear my clothes all wrong and sometimes I wear nothing at all. Sometimes I stand on my own and sometimes I let myself hang on and lean. Sometimes I push too hard, too long and too much and sometimes I don't push nearly enough. Sometimes I laugh too loudly and sometimes when I don't get the joke, I don't laugh at all. Sometimes I am late for everything and sometimes.....well, there really is no other sometimes to go along with that. I'm just late. That's all. Maybe you could just love me anyway least sometimes?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Waitin' on Uncle

You probably don't want to really hear about how much I miss my husband but I do. I am now counting the days until I can see him (even though Uncle still hasn't provided us with an exact date yet). I always feel like part of our home is missing; part of our life. Up until this point it was something I pretty much accepted and adjusted to the key words are "up until this point". Now, it's not so easy anymore. For me, it is always the hardest at the end. I just miss him. I guess it's really that simple.

I've started saying goodbye. No, I don't actually speak those words. Not yet. Not when we don't have a date or a post. Now though, I'm conciously aware when I visit that it just might be the last time. I visit anyway though; never letting on that we might not walk this way again. I haven't hid the fact that I'm leaving but at the same time, time is relevant and you can get so busy living life that days quickly turn into months before you turn around. And I'm no good at goodbyes. I cry, my heart hurts and as loved as I feel in that moment I also feel completely alone. So I won't spotlight that the last time will be the last time. I'll simply let the days fall off the calendar quietly and without fanfare. It's easier that way.

Sexy Beast said he has to start reading my blog. It's another way for us to stay connected while he is on one coast and I'm on the other. (Note to mentioning his birthday gift on here!). Although with his work schedule, I doubt that he'll really have the time. He's starting taking classes now as well  so there goes what little free time he has.  And with that we add just another reason that I'm so very proud of him.

Allergies are acting up so for now I'm going to bed. I'm sorry for the boring blog. I'll do better...I promise. Something exciting is bound to happen over the weekend. It usually does! Wish I knew how many more of these Maine weekends I have left. Really looking forward to this Army way of life!

That's all for now....the rest will come!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Just Smile Pretty

Instant Smiles are so easy with flowers like this. I love Sexy Beast.

Monday, June 7, 2010

The Story Begins...

Some of you know that I'm a writer. Not a published one but a writer none-the-less. I have stories inside of me and I see them everywhere. My latest attempt at writing is a story about deployment told from a Military Wife point of view. Here is the beginning. Please tell me if this interests you, if you would want to read more or if it lacks the ability to hold your attention. For the record, while my life is in parts of itthe writing itself is fiction. Please be brutal but be kind. If you like, please share it with others you know. I would love to get as much feedback as I can. Thanks for reading.

September 24th

You’ve always called me a cheater; not in a “Are you flirting with the mailman” kinda way but in a “How did you get that ace” kinda way. Well, tonight, I’m admitting to cheating. Not ever on you and not even by getting those aces but with this book. Last night when you gave it to me, you told me to write in it when you go so I can capture our year apart and keep you with me. You’ll write in yours, too, and maybe in that way, we’ll be a bit closer in spite of the distance. Maybe it won’t be a whole year lost. I know you didn’t mean to start it tonight but I need to. So yes, I’m cheating. You see, I’ll have months and months of entries when you aren’t here. Sleepless nights and empty days. Reading them over will only make me miss you more. I wanted one entry to be written while you are still here, warming my pillow with your breath. I needed one that would bring me right back to this moment and this room; one that would bring me right back here to you. It’s like taking one last deep breath before I have to start swimming. Simply put, I couldn’t wait.

Tomorrow you’ll leave us. I know this and yet I sit here and let you sleep. I can hear the steadiness of your breathing and it makes me think of the nights when that would have been my lullaby. Without even meaning to, I’ve taken those nights for granted. Somehow realizing how much they mean and yet forgetting it at the same time. Until now. Now that I’m ready to lose them, I’m suddenly painfully aware how perfect life was in those moments with you. It’s those moments that I’m going to think back on over this next year and wish for.

I want to touch your face and feel the coolness of your skin. I want to kiss you and in some way freeze that moment for both of us. I can’t though. It’s very possible that this just might be the last good sleep you have for a very long time. Waking you up will only bring the sadness back to both of us. I’ve woke several times the last few nights to find you watching me in the moonlight. Much like I am, you were capturing the moments that you’ll miss the most. Your eyes were always on my face; kissing me without even using your mouth. I would smile at you and snuggle in to your arms. Closing my eyes, I would kiss your face. It was my attempt to hide my tears from you. I would touch your skin in hopes of soothing your soul and by doing so soothe mine as well. I’ve learned that sometimes the only way to stop the ache is to touch you until the realness of you replaces the sting of the hurt that is coming.

A million times I’ve wanted to stop the clock. I’ve wanted to find a way to keep things exactly as they are. I want to beg you to stay but I know that it’s not your choice to go. It is your duty but it’s not your choice. As hard as this is on me, I know it’s even harder on you. So I swallow down that plea and simply love you while I have you. I just keep right on going at neck-breaking speed into that brick wall that I know is coming. I have no other way to explain it other than I simply love you that much.

It’s going to be a very long year without you, JP. I can’t tell you the darkness, sadness, emptiness and loneliness that will fill this house. I can’t talk about the moments you’ll miss and the holidays we’ll spend wishing you home. I can’t tell you how the hours will stretch out and the weeks will seem unmovable. I can’t tell you how lost I’ll feel without the scent of you, the nearness of you and the sound of you. Even though you call me your “Writer Girl” sometimes, words fail even me.

You just rolled over in your sleep and reached out until you touched me then you were still again. It’s as if, even in your sleep, you need to know that I’m safe and near. I know that in the weeks and months ahead, you’ll wake up when you reach for me and I’m not there. I know those will be the long nights and empty hours for you. During those nights, know that somewhere….half a world away….I’m reaching for you and having long nights and empty hours, too.

I’m going to go now. I need to touch you, to wake you up and hold you until my tears stop or until sleep steals me away from them. It’s hard to believe that today you are here and tomorrow I will begin the long journey of waiting for you to return to me.

I love you forever and then a bit more.


Your Girl

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Wrapping up 35

It's been awhile. I'm sorry. My life has been chaos, craziness and madness. When things get hard, I am known for shutting down, pulling in and disappearing.  I focus completely on the task at hand and have no energy left over to give anyone else. I was at that place for awhile and I'm sorry.

Went to Oklahoma about two weeks ago. Checked out the Post (growing up around the Navy means I sometimes forget it's not called a Base), checked out houses and schools and the local McDonald's. :) Yup, their fries will do just fine. The wind blows there....most every day. It's kind of funny the things that take you by surprise about a place. I'm pretty much convinced that  if we go to OK, my hair will be a Hot Mess (that's my new phrase and I double heart love it) for the next three years. There's some sense of freedom though that comes to simply resigning yourself to messy hair. Kinda like, you now have time to focus on things of more importance.

Still no for now, we sit and wait. Kinda like that runner on the starting line waiting for the gun. What else can you do?? My Sexy Beast re-enlists tomorrow. I'm so proud of him and it breaks my heart that I won't be there. I'm fully aware that he's not just promising that HE'LL give the Army as much time as they want. He's promising that WE'LL give the Army as much time as they want. He's signing his name and taking that oath but there will be four more names that aren't seen but are there just the same. Only one voice will speak the creed and make the promise but there will be four other lives living it and making the sacrifices as well. The unseen ones but just as real. I wish I could be there to shed my tears, kiss his face and stand a bit taller when I'm once again reminded that I married a hero. I wish that I could be there to remind him that it's his choice but our journey. He has promised me a photo though and it will be one that I frame and treasure. It will be a reminder of his commitment....of our commitment....our life.

So...drama ensued while I was in Oklahoma. Go figure. Four days with my husband and I can't simply enjoy, relax and memorize those moments. Veder (ex husband 1) rushed out and filed papers for custody of my oldest son (The Teen). Not because I'm a bad mom but because at 14, my son was freaking out about moving. So instead of talking to me about it and both us getting on the same page....he chose the other route. It was a week of sheer hell for me. Tears, heartaches (literally) and sadness. There is no need to rehash what happened (because I'll just get mad again) but needless to say, I did not just give in. After much talking, praying and several agonizing days, we have settled this temporary madness.  End result is.... The Teen IS going to Oklahoma. Gee....who knew?? Grrr! Ah, the joy in breathing again.

I had a birthday yesterday! I love love love my birthday. I always wake up early and feel that GREAT things are bound to happen simply because it is my birthday! And I'm right! Yesterday was a great day. My friends blew up my facebook page reminding me that I'm not alone. Talked to Zona (BFF) for about an hour. Opened birthday boxes. Spent time with sweet Bella (who made me laugh all night) and then came home and Skyped with my husband. He called me Beautiful and I cannot tell you how that makes my heart fill. Moms (my MIL) made me a beautiful bouquet of silk flowers that perfectly matches my wedding bouquet. I was instantly back on that beach standing barefoot while I married my soldier. Such a perfect day! I've pretty much decided that I'm going to rock 36!

I guess that's all for now. My dog needs to go out, there are dishes to wash, laundry to fold and groceries to buy (oh yeah, once again GOD BLESS the commissary and the fact that I was able to get my military ID during our Oklahoma visit!!!). I have life to live and the faster I make it through this day, the closer I am to my new life! I'll write more later but for now, life waits.

The rest will come......

Monday, May 31, 2010

The Canyon

I am at a loss for words to write. Somehow you've managed to take them from me. It hurts but nowhere near as much as the other things that you are trying to take from me. He says that you love him enough to want him to choose what he wants. I love him enough to want what's best for him. Isn't that the difference in being a friend and being a parent? That is the great canyon of difference between you and I.

And yet when all is said and done, I know that I'll be able to say that I always did my best and I never failed him. Can you? Don't answer...those are the questions that you can only answer honestly within yourself. And I'm not sure that you are even able to do that.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Where Did I Come From?

Where was it exactly that I crossed the threshold to needing to dye my hair, go to the gym and use sunscreen?

Where was I exactly when I could no longer justify spending half a paycheck on clothes and shoes?

When did I become so boring that I couldn't simply jump in the car and take off for the night, a weekend or forever?

Where did this women come from who knows about Drain-O, OxiClean and Magic Erasers?

Where did I get these comfortable shoes, laugh lines and over sized purses?

Where did I come from?

When did I start carrying napkins, straws and band-aids in my car?

Where is the girl who wore short shorts, mini skirts and belly shirts?

When did I become so good at catching cookie thieves, instigating tickle fights and mopping up apple juice?

Where did I learn exactly when to smile at you in order to make you smile, too?

Where did I learn to cook dinner, do fractions and fold laundry at the same time?

When did I stop worrying about fitting in, moving up and getting paid more?

When did I start instead hanging on, lifting higher and working harder? 

Where did I learn to erase bad dreams, hurt feelings and ink marks on clothes?

 Looking at the woman I've become, I can't help but wonder "Where did I come from?"

And then you  smile at me and suddenly I understand.

Just as you came from me....maybe, perhaps, I came from you, too.

Affectionately know as......

I'm the master of nicknames. I don't know why exactly except that in some ways, it allows me to tell stories I wouldn't otherwise be able to tell. It allows me to protect the innocent although I never try and protect the guilty. It's simply one of the quirky things about me. I figure though if I'm going to be writing blogs I should at least do a casting call of the players in this beautiful medley of my life.

Main Characters
Husband - Crash, My Pet Monster, Lover Boy, Mr. Hockey, Mav, Sexy Beast (and any other random name I come up with as whim hits)

Son #1 - Attitude, George, Moe, The teen

Son #2 - Smidge, Dr. Ross, Larry, Thing 1

Son #3 - The (Crazy) Bull, DJ,  Curly, Thing 2

Our pooch - Mems, Mem Phi,  Memsy, and sometimes even her real name...Memphis Blue.

The BFF  - Zona or Z (we met on the playground in 5th grade. Believe me when I say, swing set friendships really can last 20 years! She has always known when my heart ached and without a doubt knows me better than I know myself..)

Supporting Cast
Beaumont - previous Marine who works too hard, loves her family and hates being kept in the dark about anything. Comes to me for advice, to vent and when she needs a swift kick in the butt.

Panda (also known as Big A) - Little sister and an exact opposite of me in all ways. We've been through a lot and are starting to find our way. She knows without question that I'll be there.
                  Big A's Offspring (all four boys) - Banjo Pete, Iz, Little A, and Newest Addition (who I haven't met so I have not yet named.)
                  Big A's Husband - Uncle Peach

Cajun - Sassy, Louisiana girl who is NOT Cajun but certainly has the attitude! She's had my back for the last 11 years and even though life gets busy, we always pick up right where we left off and I know that we'll be friends for the rest of our lives. She is one person who can always make me laugh.

Moms and Pops - My in laws

Sissy - My sister in law

Bella - No crazy name for her. She's not the type you give a nickname, too. She has always been the calming voice that says "It will be just fine." I'm learning she's right.

Crazy Man - My older brother and the reason Lover Boy and I met (a great story that will be blogged about someday soon, I promise). I guess my brother really is my keeper. I think I owe that man a drink!

The Intern - The President of the Lover Boy fan club. Every day she would say, "You're totally going to marry this guy." And that was before I ever even met him face to face. So much for subliminal messages! I think he owes her a drink!

Leileigh - Separated by miles and years but somehow that doesn't seem to matter. After 7 years, she's accepted the fact that sometimes I just disappear and I've accepted the fact that she's not just going to let me.

Nay - She has seen me at my best and worse just as I've seen her. We have more stories with Code Names than you would ever believe! (Aunt Jemima, Joe Dirt, Air Force One, Dr. Love) And I think what makes us even closer is that the villains in my stories are some of the same villains in her stories. Gotta love small towns!

Kayyon - The only teenage girl I know who really makes me wish that I had been given a daughter. The combintation of silliness, clumsiness and randomness makes her beautifully perfect.

Murme  - I met her simply because she was on the side of the road. I've seen her grow and change and start reaching for what she wants and I'm so very proud of her.

Baconator - The best boss I've ever had and in a matter of a few months we've also become very good friends and gym partners!

Veder - Ex husband #1 (named for his love of Pearl Jam and father to George)

Propane - Ex husband #2 (named for his propane heater installation business and father to Thing 1 and Thing 2)
Stocks - the horse girl who works at the farm and sometimes needs to hear my brutal honesty to set her straight.

Carey - wears ugly shoes and rides her bicycle for miles and miles. In spite of all that, she's one of the closest friends I have because she just listens until I can hear the answers for myself. And we never fight over the same pair of shoes in the store!'s a long list but there will be no quiz later. My nemesis didn't make it on to this list because really they don't deserve to. I'm learning who they are doesn't really matter. Given enough time, they'll fade away. I've probably managed to miss someone but for now this is a good start. I can add on as I go.....because who knows who might be waiting for me down the road!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

My Head is Spinning

I just spent the last hour catching up on all the blogs I follow. I swear I'm like a crack addict. I love having glimpses in the windows of other people's lives (wait, does that make me a Peeping Tom?). 

It's certainly been a crazy week so let's start at the beginning and go from there.

I was found on Facebook. OK I wasn't hiding or anything but I also didn't realize that someone was actually looking for me. Seems that they were though.

I'm an orphan. Not a "I never knew my parents" orphan but an orphan none-the-less. I spent the last two years of high school living in a foster. When my mom died, it wasn't long before I lost contact with her family. Her nine brothers and sisters were spread out from one end of the country to the other. And then there I in the state that was as far east and north as you could go. You can understand how it's easy to discover one day that you've managed to slip away. So there I was...floating along until the other day when I was found. My Facebook Friends list now includes.....cousins and an aunt. Who knew?? This "being part of a family" thing is something that I thought I had forgotten but maybe I was wrong. There is something very reassuring about having someone who remembers you when you were still a child. I'm excited.

"Propane" called me this morning to talk. (Propane is my ex husband and so named because of the heater installation company he owns). I dropped a huge bomb on him last week when I told him that Sexy Beast is probably going to get orders to Oklahoma. Since that conversation I have done nothing. I didn't hound, nag or annoy. I simply let him sit with it. Think about it, talk to the boys and come to his on decisions. I stayed quiet. I waited. And I prayed. He called me today to tell me that he won't fight me on moving the boys. I realized once again how important prayer and silence are. I'm thankful beyond words and I have a great respect for him for allowing the boys to choose what they want. Another hurdle crossed.

Finally, I'll see Sexy Beast on Saturday. SATURDAY!! As in, a few days away! I'm so flippin' excited. I have not seen him since March 21st (two days after our wedding). It's been a lonely two months and I'm glad that I don't have to wait much longer. I'm not going to Alaska to see him. We are both going to fly into Oklahoma and spend a few days checking out the area. That way if his orders are cut like they most likely will be, we'll know more about the area. A trip to Oklahoma doesn't really count as a honeymoon though, does it??

Ahhh, it's getting late and I need to get to bed. The sooner I do the closer I am to Saturday and right now, all I'm waiting for is to kiss his face. For a very long time.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Butt Dimples No More!

So I broke down and finally joined a gym a few months ago. Planet Fitness to be exact. It was a feeble attempt to firm up a bit before I slipped into a white dress and married a Hero. Some of my friends have scoffed at me because I'm small in size and tiny in stature. But Mother Nature is an equal opportunity attacker and as a matter of fairness, she leaves dimples on all butts regardless of the size.

Admittedly in theory, I'm anti-exercise. In theory I think people who sweat by choice are nuts.  But then there's reality. Reality is...I love a man who runs five miles for fun. FOR FUN! And somehow with that knowledge, a sense of duty started to grow. If Lover Boy can go to PT and do a hundred sit-ups before Dunkin' Donuts even makes the coffee, can't I at least do my part to keep the butt dimples at bay? If I get to keep a sexy soldier, shouldn't I make sure I'm pulling my weight as the hot wife? Kinda seems like the least I can do. My patriotic duty and what not. So I joined said gym to work on said butt to make said soldier drool even more.

When I told Lover Boy (aka My Pet Monster) that I wanted to join a gym, he laughed and said that I was perfect. I told him that I wanted to look better and he said he can't imagine how I could possibly look any hotter. I told him I wanted him to always look at me and say "Hot Damn! That's MY girl." He laughed and said "I'm always going to say that no matter if you join a gym or not." (As a side note, let me reassure you that he's not always this perfect. He steals my fries, possesses a mean case of road rage and puts the loaf of bread on top of the fridge where not only can I not reach it but I can't even see it. It sits there until it molds and the kitchen starts to smell.)

My first few weeks at the gym were awful. I experienced an exhaustion that I never knew existed. My lack of physical fitness was frustrating and annoying. When I told Lover Boy that I couldn't handle these workouts, he reassured me that I could. When I told him that I didn't want to go, he said I had to force myself. When I said that I hated it, he said give it time...eventually I would like it. I laughed at his craziness and relished in the fact that he didn't know me nearly as well as he thought he did. Just because he's a sweat addict didn't mean that I ever would be. But I stuck to it just the same because even though it was torture, I had spent money to be allowed such torture. What type of world is this, anyway?

Now I'm going to admit something here that Lover Boy doesn't know. At least not yet. I love the gym . I mean LOVE, LOVE. In a red hearts and pink ribbons kinda way. In a way that surprises me and creates the unusual situation where I'll have to admit he's right. I love the cool air when I first walk in. I love the music that blares overhead somehow inviting you to get moving. I love the twelve TVs and the radio hook-ups (yes, I'm one of the few people in the free world who does not own an IPod). I love the row of gleaming treadmills waiting to move miles going nowhere. I love the torture devices known as elliptical and StairMaster. I love the sweat that comes from working hard. I love the feeling of success from going a few minutes more and just a little bit further. I love my butt...sans dimples!

I even love most of the people (although some of them might be slightly crazy...TWELVE MILES ON A BIKE????????????). Although there was one old guy who I didn't love so much. After awhile, I started to wonder if I was on the StairMaster or on the StareMaster! Seriously, dude....go buy a Hustler. You don't need to lick your chomps while looking at my new firm fanny. I know it's a compliment and thank you very much for that. You, however, are crossing the line between flattering and freaky and you're old enough to be my father. Oh and have I mentioned that my husband is a highly trained American Soldier who believes it is his responsibility to protect his country, his home and his family? I've seen his road me, he's one soldier you really don't want to piss off. Just thought you might want a heads up. It's probably safer to check out a chef's wife or something. Just throwin' that out there.

So Lover Boy, was right. I love it. He knows me that well. And this blog....well, it's my public acknowledgement of his rightness. I think it's only fair....after all, if he was wrong, I would have just as willingly posted that here as well. (Please note, that I have not said that I'm wrong only that he's right. Those are two vastly different things!)

That's all for now! The rest will come............

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Dust Catchers

I have started to worry about our big move. As of this moment, nothing has been confirmed it's looking like we'll be heading to Oklahoma. It seems forever away and yet the days are flying right off the calendar and slipping down the drain before I have a chance to grab on to them.

I've started purging and cleaning. Drawers, closets, under the beds. Anywhere that "STUFF" can collect (and by STUFF I really mean junk). Seriously...TWO empty shoe boxes?? In case of what?? There is a shoe box shortage and I need a couple of spare ones? Good grief! Sometimes, I swear I don't know what I'm thinking.

I've pulled out 7 bags to go to Goodwill. 7 bags! And somehow I know that's just the beginning. Toys that aren't being used, clothes that aren't being worn, books that aren't being read. Things that aren't doing anything other than collecting dust and taking up room. Useless things that don't need to be moved and shouldn't have been kept. So I've started the cleaning, purging and donating. And yet I still don't know where or when.

 I've looked up Lawton, Oklahoma online because I firmly believe in being educated about the place I'm going to live. It's farmland there. Beautiful but flat. Hills but no mountains. Bushes but no trees. I can't help but wonder how life will be without trees. Funny the things you miss when you are going to be losing them.

I'm excited for the move. I'm ready to start life and begin fresh. I'm ready to kiss him every night and have my pillow smell like him in the morning (yes, My Pet Monster steals my pillow!).  I don't care where I have to go to get those moments with him. I've learned that it's not the name of the town that makes it home but rather simply all of us under one roof. Besides who said we can't plant trees??

The rest will come....

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Being a Military Wife

Married to a Sailor is asking for blogs on what being a military spouse means. While everyone has different answers, here is my feeble attempt to give you mine.

I'm Just the Same as You

You ask me for my story and my answers are quite clear
I'm just the same as you except I love a man who isn't here.

He doesn't pull into the drive or swing open my front door
But I'm just the same as you except his boots aren't on my floor.

He doesn't steam up the mirror or run the water till it goes cold
But I'm just the same as you except he's not here to hold

He doesn't golf on Saturdays or have a chance to watch the game.
But I'm just the same as  you except I call him by his last name.

He doesn't change the light bulbs or work around the yard
But I'm just the same as you except his love is written in a card

He doesn't hold me when I cry or argue to prove he's right
But I'm just the same as you except I sleep alone at night.

He doesn't get a birthday cake or presents and a song
But I'm just the same as you except half my heart is gone.

He doesn't hear my whispers or see the things that I don't say
But I'm just the same as you except he's the reason that I pray.

He doesn't hold my hand or keep me awake with his rumbling snore
But I'm just the same as you except that I'm always wanting more.

He can't pick up the phone when he just wants to hear my voice
But I'm just the same as you except he made a selfless choice

He doesn't see the kids play ball and can rarely talk on the phone
But I'm just the same as you except he doesn't sleep at home.

He doesn't wear a tie to work; his name's engraved on metal tags
But I'm just the same as you except my husband salutes the flag.

He didn't just give me his last name, the day I became his bride
You see, I'm just the same as you except I have his military pride!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Here and There

He's there and I'm here.
79 hours and 36 minutes according to Mapquest.
4,644 miles.
Four Time Zones.
And across two countries.

It's been this way all along. Well, not in the beginning. In the beginning, he was overseas. Where distance is measured in time. As in "Two more months till I'm back". Where the sand is taunting instead of inviting. The sun is scarring instead of soothing. Funny how these can be so different when the setting is changed. Perhaps maybe it isn't irony after all that he chose to marry me in the sunshine on the sand. Perhaps that was a conscious decision on his part to refuse to let the things he loves be tainted by the things he's seen. Perhaps I'm merely finding coincidences where none are.

Regardless though, he's there and I'm here. Something that by now I should well be used to. It's always been this way after all. And yet there are the days that sneak up on me and meet me with such a longing for him that it shocks me. Today is one of those days. Today is a day that I simply would climb in his lap, wrap my arms around his neck, lay my head on his shoulder and remember that the way home is found in heartbeats not street signs, stoplights and right turns.

Today is one of those days. One of the days that I need him to be here. But it's not that easy. So today is another one that I simply wait.  And that's what I'll keep doing as long as I'm here and he's there.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

I'm new to this world....well, kinda but not really. You see I've blogged before but only for my friends who were granted access to my social pages. And sometimes I would even keep them from reading them. Why the change now? I don't really know except to say that I've been inspired. So we'll see how it goes and move on from there. As with everything in life, that's really all that you can do.

I have been an Army wife for six weeks and two days but my focus isn't on being Army wife but rather on being HIS wife. After being just me for seven years, I'm now joined forever with someone else. It's a good feeling and one that I'm learning to lean into. Exhaling is coming easier...a huge statement from the girl who has always seemed to be holding her breath. My way home was waiting for me all along and there is a pure joy in finally having found it. He was worth it all and amazingly enough, he feels the very same way about me.

The rest will come.....

Friday, March 5, 2010

The Things They Hear In School.....

"She put what on the chalkboard for all the kids to see?" I looked at my son and saw him for what he was. Messy hair capping mischievious blue eyes, a contagious smile and far more germs on those hands than I care to think about it. I saw the bouncy energy that makes me wonder if he some how swallowed a grasshopper whole. I see laughter, dirt, trouble, joy and noise. I see my son; an image of the child I could have been. I see his imperfections perfectly and I see them as perfection when I see them in him. But NOWHERE do I see a child who needs a muzzle.

Perhaps, I'm making more of this than I should be. Perhaps it was a simple statement made to spot like the fact that my child's love of words can be a  bit extreme. Perhaps I should simply let it go. Perhaps but I won't. I'll call the school on Monday and discuss the quality of subs that they are bringing in. I'll talk to the principal and tell her my concerns stem from the lack of respect and kindness. But what I won't do is talk to the teacher who said these things to my son. I don't know who she is. I'll likely never meet the woman to felt the need to degrade and judge a child she does not know. So I'll write the words to her here that I wish I could say.

Dear Mrs. (Insert your last name here)
You don't know me but I want to tell you about my son. DJ is the type of child you never forget. He laughs easily, smiles quickly and dances even when there is no music. He loves to push buttons, limits and the rules. He's a bit of a wild child but the very essence of every American boy.

He loves rubber snakes, his old sneakers, big farms, making tents out of blankets and the color green. His whole life he's had asthma. His whole life. Can you imagine how it feels to be a child who loves to play outside in the winter but can't breathe in the air? Do you know how it feels to run so fast but have to stop because you out ran your breath?

Where his lungs are lacking though his heart is not. DJ loves big and loud. He hugs me in the moments I least expect it. When he found out I had been laid off, he came to my house even though it was the night he goes to his dad's. It wasn't until months later that he told me he hadn't wanted me to be alone since I was so sad. Last year for Christmas, DJ asked Santa for my old job back and he gave me socks to keep my feet warm.

He would rather eat muffins than donuts. He flips a dime and says "Heads! You have to be in a good mood!" He won't go to bed without kissing me good night, even when he's mad at me. He dips everything in ranch dressing or ketchup. He fights with his brothers and needs to be reminded to brush his teeth. He hates to lose. He sings...even though he can't. He's louder and more active than my other boys. He talks alot and has the most beautiful imagination ever.

That is my child but even as I read these words I realize that my attempt to capture him for you has failed miserably. You see, you'll never know how it feels to have his arms wrap around your neck. You'll never know how rosy pink his cheeks are after a shower or the fact that he's unquestionably a leftie. My words can't describe how tan he gets in summer, how blonde his hair turns or the solidness of his weight when he plops down beside me on the couch. You'll never know how pale he gets when his asthma is bad. You'll never know him because you'll never take the time. In your eyes, he's just the kid that you think "needs a muzzle". You are missing out on the most amazing child. But then again, I'm not too sure you deserve to know him anyway. I realize that you are missing out on the best part of life....loving it. And sadly, you were mean to one little boy who could teach you how.

Deven's Mom