Some of you know that I'm a writer. Not a published one but a writer none-the-less. I have stories inside of me and I see them everywhere. My latest attempt at writing is a story about deployment told from a Military Wife point of view. Here is the beginning. Please tell me if this interests you, if you would want to read more or if it lacks the ability to hold your attention. For the record, while my life is in parts of itthe writing itself is fiction. Please be brutal but be kind. If you like, please share it with others you know. I would love to get as much feedback as I can. Thanks for reading.
You’ve always called me a cheater; not in a “Are you flirting with the mailman” kinda way but in a “How did you get that ace” kinda way. Well, tonight, I’m admitting to cheating. Not ever on you and not even by getting those aces but with this book. Last night when you gave it to me, you told me to write in it when you go so I can capture our year apart and keep you with me. You’ll write in yours, too, and maybe in that way, we’ll be a bit closer in spite of the distance. Maybe it won’t be a whole year lost. I know you didn’t mean to start it tonight but I need to. So yes, I’m cheating. You see, I’ll have months and months of entries when you aren’t here. Sleepless nights and empty days. Reading them over will only make me miss you more. I wanted one entry to be written while you are still here, warming my pillow with your breath. I needed one that would bring me right back to this moment and this room; one that would bring me right back here to you. It’s like taking one last deep breath before I have to start swimming. Simply put, I couldn’t wait.
Tomorrow you’ll leave us. I know this and yet I sit here and let you sleep. I can hear the steadiness of your breathing and it makes me think of the nights when that would have been my lullaby. Without even meaning to, I’ve taken those nights for granted. Somehow realizing how much they mean and yet forgetting it at the same time. Until now. Now that I’m ready to lose them, I’m suddenly painfully aware how perfect life was in those moments with you. It’s those moments that I’m going to think back on over this next year and wish for.
I want to touch your face and feel the coolness of your skin. I want to kiss you and in some way freeze that moment for both of us. I can’t though. It’s very possible that this just might be the last good sleep you have for a very long time. Waking you up will only bring the sadness back to both of us. I’ve woke several times the last few nights to find you watching me in the moonlight. Much like I am, you were capturing the moments that you’ll miss the most. Your eyes were always on my face; kissing me without even using your mouth. I would smile at you and snuggle in to your arms. Closing my eyes, I would kiss your face. It was my attempt to hide my tears from you. I would touch your skin in hopes of soothing your soul and by doing so soothe mine as well. I’ve learned that sometimes the only way to stop the ache is to touch you until the realness of you replaces the sting of the hurt that is coming.
A million times I’ve wanted to stop the clock. I’ve wanted to find a way to keep things exactly as they are. I want to beg you to stay but I know that it’s not your choice to go. It is your duty but it’s not your choice. As hard as this is on me, I know it’s even harder on you. So I swallow down that plea and simply love you while I have you. I just keep right on going at neck-breaking speed into that brick wall that I know is coming. I have no other way to explain it other than I simply love you that much.
It’s going to be a very long year without you, JP. I can’t tell you the darkness, sadness, emptiness and loneliness that will fill this house. I can’t talk about the moments you’ll miss and the holidays we’ll spend wishing you home. I can’t tell you how the hours will stretch out and the weeks will seem unmovable. I can’t tell you how lost I’ll feel without the scent of you, the nearness of you and the sound of you. Even though you call me your “Writer Girl” sometimes, words fail even me.
You just rolled over in your sleep and reached out until you touched me then you were still again. It’s as if, even in your sleep, you need to know that I’m safe and near. I know that in the weeks and months ahead, you’ll wake up when you reach for me and I’m not there. I know those will be the long nights and empty hours for you. During those nights, know that somewhere….half a world away….I’m reaching for you and having long nights and empty hours, too.
I’m going to go now. I need to touch you, to wake you up and hold you until my tears stop or until sleep steals me away from them. It’s hard to believe that today you are here and tomorrow I will begin the long journey of waiting for you to return to me.
I love you forever and then a bit more.