The Canyon

I am at a loss for words to write. Somehow you've managed to take them from me. It hurts but nowhere near as much as the other things that you are trying to take from me. He says that you love him enough to want him to choose what he wants. I love him enough to want what's best for him. Isn't that the difference in being a friend and being a parent? That is the great canyon of difference between you and I.

And yet when all is said and done, I know that I'll be able to say that I always did my best and I never failed him. Can you? Don't answer...those are the questions that you can only answer honestly within yourself. And I'm not sure that you are even able to do that.

Where Did I Come From?

Where was it exactly that I crossed the threshold to needing to dye my hair, go to the gym and use sunscreen?

Where was I exactly when I could no longer justify spending half a paycheck on clothes and shoes?

When did I become so boring that I couldn't simply jump in the car and take off for the night, a weekend or forever?

Where did this women come from who knows about Drain-O, OxiClean and Magic Erasers?

Where did I get these comfortable shoes, laugh lines and over sized purses?

Where did I come from?

When did I start carrying napkins, straws and band-aids in my car?

Where is the girl who wore short shorts, mini skirts and belly shirts?

When did I become so good at catching cookie thieves, instigating tickle fights and mopping up apple juice?

Where did I learn exactly when to smile at you in order to make you smile, too?

Where did I learn to cook dinner, do fractions and fold laundry at the same time?

When did I stop worrying about fitting in, moving up and getting paid more?

When did I start instead hanging on, lifting higher and working harder? 

Where did I learn to erase bad dreams, hurt feelings and ink marks on clothes?

 Looking at the woman I've become, I can't help but wonder "Where did I come from?"

And then you  smile at me and suddenly I understand.

Just as you came from me....maybe, perhaps, I came from you, too.

Affectionately know as......

I'm the master of nicknames. I don't know why exactly except that in some ways, it allows me to tell stories I wouldn't otherwise be able to tell. It allows me to protect the innocent although I never try and protect the guilty. It's simply one of the quirky things about me. I figure though if I'm going to be writing blogs I should at least do a casting call of the players in this beautiful medley of my life.

Main Characters
Husband - Crash, My Pet Monster, Lover Boy, Mr. Hockey, Mav, Sexy Beast (and any other random name I come up with as whim hits)

Son #1 - Attitude, George, Moe, The teen

Son #2 - Smidge, Dr. Ross, Larry, Thing 1

Son #3 - The (Crazy) Bull, DJ,  Curly, Thing 2

Our pooch - Mems, Mem Phi,  Memsy, and sometimes even her real name...Memphis Blue.

The BFF  - Zona or Z (we met on the playground in 5th grade. Believe me when I say, swing set friendships really can last 20 years! She has always known when my heart ached and without a doubt knows me better than I know myself..)


Supporting Cast
Beaumont - previous Marine who works too hard, loves her family and hates being kept in the dark about anything. Comes to me for advice, to vent and when she needs a swift kick in the butt.

Panda (also known as Big A) - Little sister and an exact opposite of me in all ways. We've been through a lot and are starting to find our way. She knows without question that I'll be there.
                  Big A's Offspring (all four boys) - Banjo Pete, Iz, Little A, and Newest Addition (who I haven't met so I have not yet named.)
                  Big A's Husband - Uncle Peach

Cajun - Sassy, Louisiana girl who is NOT Cajun but certainly has the attitude! She's had my back for the last 11 years and even though life gets busy, we always pick up right where we left off and I know that we'll be friends for the rest of our lives. She is one person who can always make me laugh.

Moms and Pops - My in laws

Sissy - My sister in law

Bella - No crazy name for her. She's not the type you give a nickname, too. She has always been the calming voice that says "It will be just fine." I'm learning she's right.

Crazy Man - My older brother and the reason Lover Boy and I met (a great story that will be blogged about someday soon, I promise). I guess my brother really is my keeper. I think I owe that man a drink!

The Intern - The President of the Lover Boy fan club. Every day she would say, "You're totally going to marry this guy." And that was before I ever even met him face to face. So much for subliminal messages! I think he owes her a drink!

Leileigh - Separated by miles and years but somehow that doesn't seem to matter. After 7 years, she's accepted the fact that sometimes I just disappear and I've accepted the fact that she's not just going to let me.

Nay - She has seen me at my best and worse just as I've seen her. We have more stories with Code Names than you would ever believe! (Aunt Jemima, Joe Dirt, Air Force One, Dr. Love) And I think what makes us even closer is that the villains in my stories are some of the same villains in her stories. Gotta love small towns!

Kayyon - The only teenage girl I know who really makes me wish that I had been given a daughter. The combintation of silliness, clumsiness and randomness makes her beautifully perfect.

Murme  - I met her simply because she was on the side of the road. I've seen her grow and change and start reaching for what she wants and I'm so very proud of her.

Baconator - The best boss I've ever had and in a matter of a few months we've also become very good friends and gym partners!

Veder - Ex husband #1 (named for his love of Pearl Jam and father to George)


Propane - Ex husband #2 (named for his propane heater installation business and father to Thing 1 and Thing 2)
Stocks - the horse girl who works at the farm and sometimes needs to hear my brutal honesty to set her straight.

Carey - wears ugly shoes and rides her bicycle for miles and miles. In spite of all that, she's one of the closest friends I have because she just listens until I can hear the answers for myself. And we never fight over the same pair of shoes in the store!

OK....it's a long list but there will be no quiz later. My nemesis didn't make it on to this list because really they don't deserve to. I'm learning who they are doesn't really matter. Given enough time, they'll fade away. I've probably managed to miss someone but for now this is a good start. I can add on as I go.....because who knows who might be waiting for me down the road!
 

My Head is Spinning

I just spent the last hour catching up on all the blogs I follow. I swear I'm like a crack addict. I love having glimpses in the windows of other people's lives (wait, does that make me a Peeping Tom?). 

It's certainly been a crazy week so let's start at the beginning and go from there.

I was found on Facebook. OK I wasn't hiding or anything but I also didn't realize that someone was actually looking for me. Seems that they were though.

I'm an orphan. Not a "I never knew my parents" orphan but an orphan none-the-less. I spent the last two years of high school living in a foster. When my mom died, it wasn't long before I lost contact with her family. Her nine brothers and sisters were spread out from one end of the country to the other. And then there I was...living in the state that was as far east and north as you could go. You can understand how it's easy to discover one day that you've managed to slip away. So there I was...floating along until the other day when I was found. My Facebook Friends list now includes.....cousins and an aunt. Who knew?? This "being part of a family" thing is something that I thought I had forgotten but maybe I was wrong. There is something very reassuring about having someone who remembers you when you were still a child. I'm excited.

"Propane" called me this morning to talk. (Propane is my ex husband and so named because of the heater installation company he owns). I dropped a huge bomb on him last week when I told him that Sexy Beast is probably going to get orders to Oklahoma. Since that conversation I have done nothing. I didn't hound, nag or annoy. I simply let him sit with it. Think about it, talk to the boys and come to his on decisions. I stayed quiet. I waited. And I prayed. He called me today to tell me that he won't fight me on moving the boys. I realized once again how important prayer and silence are. I'm thankful beyond words and I have a great respect for him for allowing the boys to choose what they want. Another hurdle crossed.

Finally, I'll see Sexy Beast on Saturday. SATURDAY!! As in, a few days away! I'm so flippin' excited. I have not seen him since March 21st (two days after our wedding). It's been a lonely two months and I'm glad that I don't have to wait much longer. I'm not going to Alaska to see him. We are both going to fly into Oklahoma and spend a few days checking out the area. That way if his orders are cut like they most likely will be, we'll know more about the area. A trip to Oklahoma doesn't really count as a honeymoon though, does it??

Ahhh, it's getting late and I need to get to bed. The sooner I do the closer I am to Saturday and right now, all I'm waiting for is to kiss his face. For a very long time.

Butt Dimples No More!

So I broke down and finally joined a gym a few months ago. Planet Fitness to be exact. It was a feeble attempt to firm up a bit before I slipped into a white dress and married a Hero. Some of my friends have scoffed at me because I'm small in size and tiny in stature. But Mother Nature is an equal opportunity attacker and as a matter of fairness, she leaves dimples on all butts regardless of the size.

Admittedly in theory, I'm anti-exercise. In theory I think people who sweat by choice are nuts.  But then there's reality. Reality is...I love a man who runs five miles for fun. FOR FUN! And somehow with that knowledge, a sense of duty started to grow. If Lover Boy can go to PT and do a hundred sit-ups before Dunkin' Donuts even makes the coffee, can't I at least do my part to keep the butt dimples at bay? If I get to keep a sexy soldier, shouldn't I make sure I'm pulling my weight as the hot wife? Kinda seems like the least I can do. My patriotic duty and what not. So I joined said gym to work on said butt to make said soldier drool even more.

When I told Lover Boy (aka My Pet Monster) that I wanted to join a gym, he laughed and said that I was perfect. I told him that I wanted to look better and he said he can't imagine how I could possibly look any hotter. I told him I wanted him to always look at me and say "Hot Damn! That's MY girl." He laughed and said "I'm always going to say that no matter if you join a gym or not." (As a side note, let me reassure you that he's not always this perfect. He steals my fries, possesses a mean case of road rage and puts the loaf of bread on top of the fridge where not only can I not reach it but I can't even see it. It sits there until it molds and the kitchen starts to smell.)

My first few weeks at the gym were awful. I experienced an exhaustion that I never knew existed. My lack of physical fitness was frustrating and annoying. When I told Lover Boy that I couldn't handle these workouts, he reassured me that I could. When I told him that I didn't want to go, he said I had to force myself. When I said that I hated it, he said give it time...eventually I would like it. I laughed at his craziness and relished in the fact that he didn't know me nearly as well as he thought he did. Just because he's a sweat addict didn't mean that I ever would be. But I stuck to it just the same because even though it was torture, I had spent money to be allowed such torture. What type of world is this, anyway?

Now I'm going to admit something here that Lover Boy doesn't know. At least not yet. I love the gym . I mean LOVE, LOVE. In a red hearts and pink ribbons kinda way. In a way that surprises me and creates the unusual situation where I'll have to admit he's right. I love the cool air when I first walk in. I love the music that blares overhead somehow inviting you to get moving. I love the twelve TVs and the radio hook-ups (yes, I'm one of the few people in the free world who does not own an IPod). I love the row of gleaming treadmills waiting to move miles going nowhere. I love the torture devices known as elliptical and StairMaster. I love the sweat that comes from working hard. I love the feeling of success from going a few minutes more and just a little bit further. I love my butt...sans dimples!

I even love most of the people (although some of them might be slightly crazy...TWELVE MILES ON A BIKE????????????). Although there was one old guy who I didn't love so much. After awhile, I started to wonder if I was on the StairMaster or on the StareMaster! Seriously, dude....go buy a Hustler. You don't need to lick your chomps while looking at my new firm fanny. I know it's a compliment and thank you very much for that. You, however, are crossing the line between flattering and freaky and you're old enough to be my father. Oh and have I mentioned that my husband is a highly trained American Soldier who believes it is his responsibility to protect his country, his home and his family? I've seen his road rage....trust me, he's one soldier you really don't want to piss off. Just thought you might want a heads up. It's probably safer to check out a chef's wife or something. Just throwin' that out there.

So Lover Boy, was right. I love it. He knows me that well. And this blog....well, it's my public acknowledgement of his rightness. I think it's only fair....after all, if he was wrong, I would have just as willingly posted that here as well. (Please note, that I have not said that I'm wrong only that he's right. Those are two vastly different things!)

That's all for now! The rest will come............

Dust Catchers

I have started to worry about our big move. As of this moment, nothing has been confirmed it's looking like we'll be heading to Oklahoma. It seems forever away and yet the days are flying right off the calendar and slipping down the drain before I have a chance to grab on to them.

I've started purging and cleaning. Drawers, closets, under the beds. Anywhere that "STUFF" can collect (and by STUFF I really mean junk). Seriously...TWO empty shoe boxes?? In case of what?? There is a shoe box shortage and I need a couple of spare ones? Good grief! Sometimes, I swear I don't know what I'm thinking.

I've pulled out 7 bags to go to Goodwill. 7 bags! And somehow I know that's just the beginning. Toys that aren't being used, clothes that aren't being worn, books that aren't being read. Things that aren't doing anything other than collecting dust and taking up room. Useless things that don't need to be moved and shouldn't have been kept. So I've started the cleaning, purging and donating. And yet I still don't know where or when.

 I've looked up Lawton, Oklahoma online because I firmly believe in being educated about the place I'm going to live. It's farmland there. Beautiful but flat. Hills but no mountains. Bushes but no trees. I can't help but wonder how life will be without trees. Funny the things you miss when you are going to be losing them.

I'm excited for the move. I'm ready to start life and begin fresh. I'm ready to kiss him every night and have my pillow smell like him in the morning (yes, My Pet Monster steals my pillow!).  I don't care where I have to go to get those moments with him. I've learned that it's not the name of the town that makes it home but rather simply all of us under one roof. Besides who said we can't plant trees??

The rest will come....

Being a Military Wife

Married to a Sailor is asking for blogs on what being a military spouse means. While everyone has different answers, here is my feeble attempt to give you mine.

I'm Just the Same as You


You ask me for my story and my answers are quite clear
I'm just the same as you except I love a man who isn't here.


He doesn't pull into the drive or swing open my front door
But I'm just the same as you except his boots aren't on my floor.


He doesn't steam up the mirror or run the water till it goes cold
But I'm just the same as you except he's not here to hold


He doesn't golf on Saturdays or have a chance to watch the game.
But I'm just the same as  you except I call him by his last name.


He doesn't change the light bulbs or work around the yard
But I'm just the same as you except his love is written in a card


He doesn't hold me when I cry or argue to prove he's right
But I'm just the same as you except I sleep alone at night.


He doesn't get a birthday cake or presents and a song
But I'm just the same as you except half my heart is gone.


He doesn't hear my whispers or see the things that I don't say
But I'm just the same as you except he's the reason that I pray.


He doesn't hold my hand or keep me awake with his rumbling snore
But I'm just the same as you except that I'm always wanting more.


He can't pick up the phone when he just wants to hear my voice
But I'm just the same as you except he made a selfless choice


He doesn't see the kids play ball and can rarely talk on the phone
But I'm just the same as you except he doesn't sleep at home.


He doesn't wear a tie to work; his name's engraved on metal tags
But I'm just the same as you except my husband salutes the flag.


He didn't just give me his last name, the day I became his bride
You see, I'm just the same as you except I have his military pride!

Here and There

He's there and I'm here.
79 hours and 36 minutes according to Mapquest.
4,644 miles.
Four Time Zones.
And across two countries.

It's been this way all along. Well, not in the beginning. In the beginning, he was overseas. Where distance is measured in time. As in "Two more months till I'm back". Where the sand is taunting instead of inviting. The sun is scarring instead of soothing. Funny how these can be so different when the setting is changed. Perhaps maybe it isn't irony after all that he chose to marry me in the sunshine on the sand. Perhaps that was a conscious decision on his part to refuse to let the things he loves be tainted by the things he's seen. Perhaps I'm merely finding coincidences where none are.

Regardless though, he's there and I'm here. Something that by now I should well be used to. It's always been this way after all. And yet there are the days that sneak up on me and meet me with such a longing for him that it shocks me. Today is one of those days. Today is a day that I simply would climb in his lap, wrap my arms around his neck, lay my head on his shoulder and remember that the way home is found in heartbeats not street signs, stoplights and right turns.

Today is one of those days. One of the days that I need him to be here. But it's not that easy. So today is another one that I simply wait.  And that's what I'll keep doing as long as I'm here and he's there.

I'm new to this world....well, kinda but not really. You see I've blogged before but only for my friends who were granted access to my social pages. And sometimes I would even keep them from reading them. Why the change now? I don't really know except to say that I've been inspired. So we'll see how it goes and move on from there. As with everything in life, that's really all that you can do.

I have been an Army wife for six weeks and two days but my focus isn't on being Army wife but rather on being HIS wife. After being just me for seven years, I'm now joined forever with someone else. It's a good feeling and one that I'm learning to lean into. Exhaling is coming easier...a huge statement from the girl who has always seemed to be holding her breath. My way home was waiting for me all along and there is a pure joy in finally having found it. He was worth it all and amazingly enough, he feels the very same way about me.

The rest will come.....